We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
