Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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