im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
