so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
