Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
they're like a gay fantastic four
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
