life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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