two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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