I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
