Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize