woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The ass gains better be worth it
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