her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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