@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
