I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
