Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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