Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Randomize
