What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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