He told me they were just razor bumps!
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
