Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
