i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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