You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He has the fingertips of a God
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