Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
