Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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