I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
