THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
