Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
