I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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