I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
