Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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