my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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