There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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