They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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