Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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