i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
