Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
