She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
