Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
