My hand turned me down
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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