I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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