twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
