Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You were trust falling into bushes
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
