Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
