she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
