U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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