she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize