Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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