tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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