There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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