I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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