I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
