The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
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