You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize