see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
