What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
