Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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