i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
