Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
