I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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