Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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