so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
