It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
