Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
