I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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