Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
NoShamevember. You game?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
