last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
