EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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